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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22405822">Drowning in the Darkness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/pseuds/greeny1710'>greeny1710</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Formula 1 RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Daniel is just trying his best, Depression, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, This Is Sad, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, and Max is trying his best too, and so I wrote about max being sad, idk man I was just really fkn sad, like really sad, look there's not much happy stuff okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:15:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22405822</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/pseuds/greeny1710</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Max is suffering in the darkness of his own head, and there's only so much Daniel knows how to do, but he tries to help, and sometimes being there is enough</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>153</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Drowning in the Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so </p><p>depression huh</p><p>that's a something I gotta actually start accepting as being part of my existence</p><p>I spent pretty much all day just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and writing this so *finger guns* </p><p>I don't even know what to say and that's new for me...</p><p>I was meant to be writing a Carlando first date fic but it's hard to write about people being happy when my brain is just like nah we're too empty to be happy and so *shrug* it do be like that sometimes. </p><p>look after yourselves folk x</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The stars were reflecting off the glass of the windows when Daniel finally got back to Max’s apartment that night. He’d been stuck at a Renault sponsor event until late, much later than he’d planned on being there. Daniel dropped his backpack on the side table and toed his shoes off, quietly trying to pad through the apartment so as not to wake Max. The PlayStation didn’t have its blue light on, there was a cold cup of something on the side, and Daniel’s hoodie that he knew he’d left over the back of the sofa was gone, meaning he’d probably go to bed and find Max curled up in it, the sleeves pulled down over his hands to create sweater paws. </p><p>  Daniel shuffled through to the bathroom, stripping his Renault gear and dumping it into the wash basket. He rinsed his face and quickly brushed his teeth, then pulled on some soft pyjama pants. Dan grabbed his phone out of his jeans pocket to take through to the bedroom so he could charge it, and as he quietly pulled the bathroom door shut behind him he responded to a text from Seb, and another from his sister. Due to him keeping his eyes focused on the low-light of his phone, he didn’t initially notice that Max wasn’t sleeping normally. </p><p>  “Max?” He whispered, not hearing Max’s normal heavy sleep-breathing, “Max, you awake?”</p><p>  Gently, Daniel sat on the edge of the bed, and it was only once he was on Max’s level that he noticed he couldn’t even hear Max breathing at all, or the quilt move with the movement of his breathing. The quilt was pulled up tightly over Max’s head and the lump that Daniel could make out was Max was curled up into a ball underneath it. </p><p>  Today’s a bad day, Dan thought to himself, already knowing what he was to be expecting when he finally prised the covers off Max.</p><p>  After a few gentle tugs, Daniel could slide in under the quilt. He took a moment to let his eyes adjust to the pitch-blackness, and when they did, he could make out Max pressing his hands against his ears over the hood of Daniel’s jumper, and his face was scrunched up as though in pain. Max had clearly not noticed Daniel yet, and he didn’t want to startle Max by accidentally touching him when he was in this state and causing Max to lash out, ultimately making Max feel worse than he already did. </p><p>  Instead, Daniel just fidgeted slightly, the gentle movements rocking the steady mattress and ruffling the quilt above Max’s fingers. He started to chat some shit about the sponsor event, saying how it was never as good as the ones as Red Bull when he and Max could shuffle off for a quickie when no one was paying them any attention. Tears were streaming down Max’s face the entire time Daniel spoke, and he hated that his boyfriend was so scared and panicky that he couldn’t wipe those tears away without triggering a worse episode. </p><p>  Eventually Max’s eyes opened and he blinked away a few of the tears that were pooled there.</p><p>  “Hi baby, do you want a hug?”</p><p>  Max nodded shakily and pushed himself into Daniel’s chest, his arms came down to wrap around his own waist instead of clutching onto Daniel like he normally would. Daniel cradled Max against his chest, letting his boy sob his heart out as he rocked him and whispered comforting words to him.</p><p>  “I’ve got you, I’m here, I love you.”</p><p>  The sound of Max’s sobs sent shivers down Dan’s spine. They were so <i>deep</i>, <i>so raw</i>, so <i>painful</i>. </p><p>  “He always has to make things worse,” Max sobbed into Daniel’s chest, the words barely audible as Max’s accent was always much thicker when he was upset. </p><p>  Daniel didn’t need to ask who he meant. There was only one person that continuously made Max feel like this, the one person that had fucked with Max’s mind since he was a little boy. </p><p>  “He’s a bastard, baby. You don’t need to focus on him right now, okay? Just breathe, focus on me, hey? Focus on me,” Daniel kisses Max’s forehead lightly and continues to rock Max gently.</p><p>  Daniel didn’t know how long he spent rocking Max and kissing his forehead, just waiting for Max to stop crying and calm down before he made himself sick. By the time Max calmed, he’d sobbed long enough to tire himself out, and Daniel kept Max wrapped up in his arms as he fell into an unsatisfying sleep. </p><p>  Warmth smacked Daniel in the face, rudely awakening him from his sleep. After rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Daniel noticed the absence of Max’s weight against his chest. He reached out a hand. </p><p>  Cold.</p><p>  Max must’ve been up for a while for the bed to be that cold already. </p><p>  Daniel pushed the blankets off himself and immediately stumbled out of the bedroom, pulling on a spare t-shirt as he walked. The sound of the tv was pulling him through the living room, but the smell of something cooking was dragging him to the kitchen. Max wasn’t adventurous with food, he could cook okay but he wasn’t the best. But still, he tried and Daniel always appreciated the effort.</p><p>  Following the scent of food, Daniel was met by the sight of Max still wearing his hoodie from the night before, the body of it hanging low on him and the hood pulled up around his face. It looked as though under the fabric of the hoodie Max had pulled on a pair of loose-fitting shorts. Clearly it was still a bad day. Max hated wearing tight or form-fitting clothing when he was upset. Daniel made sure to make some noise as he entered the kitchen, not wanting to startle Max.</p><p>  “Morning, sunshine,” Daniel sung as he jumped to sit on the counter beside Max. </p><p>  Max offered him a small smile but otherwise kept his eyes fixed on whatever he was cooking. When Daniel ducked his head to get a look at Max under the hoodie, he noted the bags under Max’s eyes and the stains of tears on his cheeks. </p><p>  Right, Dan thought, still a very bad day. </p><p>  “Whatcha cookin, good-lookin’?” He questioned, trying to make Max even show the slightest hint of emotion. </p><p>  Max didn’t answer, just spun his phone around to show Daniel the recipe for something. </p><p>  “It’s in Dutch, Maxy.”</p><p>  Much to Daniel’s dismay, Max simply took the phone back, scrolled to the top and pressed something to translate the text into English, all the while gently stirring something on the hob. </p><p>  “Appelstroop,” Daniel attempted to pronounce, hoping Max would correct him. But he didn’t. He just nodded.</p><p>  “Sounds good, what’s it for?”</p><p>  Max pointed over at the bread on the side. </p><p>  Daniel nodded, not actually fully understanding what Max was saying-without-speaking, but getting the gist that it involved bread somehow. </p><p>  “Need anything doing?”</p><p>  Max shook his head, but held his arm out to Daniel, the silent invitation of wanting a hug. Daniel smiled at his boy, jumped off the counter and wrapped himself around Max’s side, holding him tightly against his chest and kissing his cheek. </p><p>  “I love you, remember that,” Daniel whispered into the side of Max’s face. He felt a gentle smile curve up at the words, but other than that, Max remained silent and fairly stoic. </p><p>  Later on, when the food had been eaten (and mighty fine food it was, Daniel had to note) and Max was curled up under a blanket, his knees pressed to his chest, staring at Netflix on the tv screen, Daniel told Max he was going for a shower and left Max on the sofa with a blank expression on his face. When he was sure Max wasn’t looking, Daniel snagged every key to the doors and held them tightly in his fist to ensure they didn’t make a noise. </p><p>  After setting the shower on, Daniel checked the bathroom door was shut fully behind him and sunk to the floor, leaning against it, as he scrolled through his phone to look for Max’s mum’s number. </p><p>  “Daniel, hello, how are you?”</p><p>  “Hey, Sophie, I’m alright. Max isn’t.”</p><p>  “I know,” Sophie told him, “He text me this morning, saying it was a bad day. I rang him and he started having a panic attack.”</p><p>  “I didn’t know,” Dan whispered, furious with himself for not hearing Max when he was suffering at his most <i>again</i>, “I came back last night and he was just sobbing in bed, I didn’t hear him this morning.”</p><p>  “He only panicked when he answered the phone, couldn’t get a word out of him. Don’t beat yourself up Dan, he’s good at hiding things, you know how he is. Did he make appelstroop en brood?”</p><p>  “Yeah. Woke up, and he was just stirring away.”</p><p>  “Home cooking always makes him feel better,” Sophie said, her voice grew quieter before she said in an almost regretful tone, “I wish I could be there for him, Dan. He shouldn’t have to suffer through this still. He didn’t deserve any of this.”</p><p>  Without needing words, Dan knew she was talking about what Jos had done to Max. All those years of him being told that he was not being good enough, not being strong enough, not pushing enough. Ultimately it had cultivated in adult-Max not being fully able to see just how shitty his childhood had been, and just how toxic his upbringing was. </p><p>  “He cried for so long last night. I don’t think he could stop.”</p><p>  “He needs to talk to someone, Daniel. It’s been getting worse, especially since you moved.”</p><p>  A cold wave of regret smashed through Daniel at that moment. He knew Sophie didn’t mean it like it sounded, but Daniel couldn’t help but feel responsible for Max’s anxiety getting worse. </p><p>  “Just, don’t leave him alone today, please?”</p><p>  Quietly, Dan agreed. They’d had a day like this before, which ultimately ended in Max running off when Dan had his back turned and it had been a long, incredibly stressful few hours but Max had been fine. Daniel needed to remember that. Max had been fine. Everything had been fine. </p><p>  But if it hadn’t been, Daniel never would’ve forgiven himself. </p><p>  “I took the keys, he can’t leave without making a lot of noise.”</p><p>  “You’re a good one, Daniel. He’s lucky to have you. Fuck whatever that bastard says, what matters is you two and that you love each other. Fuck him.”</p><p>  “Fuck him,” Daniel agreed, slightly startled at the fact that Sophie swore. MULTIPLE TIMES. But he’d get over that. She was right, after all. </p><p>  “You going to be okay?”</p><p>  “I’ll be alright, I just want him to be okay,” Daniel told Sophie, “I’ll call you later.”</p><p>  And with that, Daniel and Sophie said their goodbyes. Quickly, Dan shoved his head under the shower-head to wet his hair, before shutting the whole thing off and dragging his clothes off and shoving them in the same wash basket that had his Renault gear staring up at him. 

The very thing that had caused Max to be alone in his panicked stupor the night before. 

But he couldn’t focus on that now, he couldn’t focus on Max being alone last night when he was alone again now. He tied a towel round his waist and held the keys in his hand. When he went back through, the keys dropped against the side, Max hadn’t moved, still staring mindlessly at the screen, the episode halfway through but Daniel was sure that if he asked Max, he wouldn’t be able to tell him a single thing that had happened.</p><p>  Daniel dressed and went back to the front room, where Max peeked over at Daniel but didn’t make an attempt to move.</p><p>  “C’mon, we’re going out. I need to buy some food and I miss your face. Plus, I’ve got a domestic god living with me after breakfast this morning and I want to be spoilt again,” Daniel stretched his hand out to Max, smiling encouragingly the entire time and waited for Max to link their fingers together. It seemed for a while as though Max was going to refuse, but Daniel just stood waiting, never once letting Max break eye contact. </p><p>  Max opened his mouth to say something but ultimately chose not to. But he did link his fingers with Dan’s and let Dan pull him up, so that was something at least. </p><p>  “You wanna change or are you feeling staying the same? Because you look cute and I don’t want you to.”</p><p>  Max chose to agree with Dan, just shrugging and let Dan shove some socks at him to pull on and then push his feet into his trainers. Dan passed over his phone, and quickly emptied his backpack onto the floor, knowing Max would roll his eyes at the mess. And he did. That made Daniel happy. </p><p>  “Gotta save the turtles, Maximus. Reusable bags and all that.”</p><p>  Once Dan was ready, he held his hand out to Max again, offering him the chance to stay close. Max hesitated. Daniel could see the thoughts running through his head, what his dad would say, what his dad would do, what his dad could allow to happen should more pictures get printed in the press of them. They’d already faced enough scrutiny after a crash for Dan had gone badly and Max had panicked about Daniel enough that his senses had gone and upon seeing Dan safe and well, had kissed him within an inch of his life in front of what was possibly every camera on the planet. Whilst it may not have been Max’s smartest idea, the panic over nearly losing Dan meant more to Max than his dad’s opinion at the time. </p><p>  “You good, Maxy?”</p><p>  Max seemed to stumble back to his senses and he nodded slightly. Daniel watched Max’s hand shake as he lifted and dropped it to link with Dan’s. He offered Max a small smile.</p><p>  “I love you, we’re going to be alright.”</p><p>  Max nodded, took the backpack from Daniel, pulled his cap low over his face and his hood up. </p><p>  The entire journey down to the market to buy food, look around for anything else they might need, and return to the apartment, Max kept his eyes down and refused to look up or talk to anyone, leaving Daniel to socialise with vendors.</p><p>  Max’s mood continued for a few days, much to Daniel’s dismay. Often he tried to get Max to interact with him, say something, to smile or laugh, but he remained pretty stoic the entire time. 

Max’s mood also darkened drastically. Whereas he originally would get up, follow Dan round the apartment and for a walk or a run, eat some food and hang on the sofa tucked under Dan’s arm with some Netflix show playing, Max had deemed that he’d done enough ‘real’ behaviour and now instead would just huddle under the quilt in bed all day, scrolling aimlessly through his phone or watching random YouTube videos. Lately he’d been watching songs about history. Daniel had no idea how Max had stumbled across those. </p><p>  “Please help me man, he’s getting worse. He won’t even get out of bed now.”</p><p>  “What good can I do?”</p><p>  “He listens to you. He respects you. Please, just help me. I don’t know what to do, I can’t do anything, I’m so scared for him. He’s never got this bad before. It normally blows over after a couple days.”</p><p>  Daniel let the words stew over for a few seconds, let the person on the other end of the phone think about what he said, before saying again,</p><p>  “Please.”</p><p>  “Give us ten minutes and we’ll come over.”</p><p>  “Thank you,” Daniel replied, his voice barely louder than a breath. </p><p>  Now Daniel played the waiting game. </p><p>  When the door went, Daniel climbed off the bed from where he’d been sat beside Max and went to the door. </p><p>  “Hey man.”</p><p>  “Hm. Where is he?”</p><p>  Daniel pointed towards the bedroom, and watched as Kimi slunk pass him and shut the door behind him. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Daniel and pulled him close, allowing Dan to finally cry onto his shoulder and let his emotions out.</p><p>  “I’ve tried everything,” he cried, shaking and sobbing and probably making a mess of Seb’s shirt, “I want to help him but he won’t let me.”</p><p>  “You’re doing the right thing. Sometimes it takes a while and things aren’t great and won’t go the way you want. But you can’t help him until he wants it. You can only be there for him. It’s not your responsibility to make everything better Daniel, you’re doing enough just existing and making him know he’s not alone.”</p><p>  Seb pulled back slightly to see Dan properly, and smiled at his old friend. </p><p>  “Cmon, let’s go get something to eat. Kimi’s got Max, it’ll be fine.”</p><p>  Daniel seemed reluctant to leave Max, even though it had been his idea to get Kimi to come over and help. Seb didn’t give Daniel a chance to ponder any longer as he shoved Dan out the door, leaving Kimi alone with Max in the apartment. </p><p>  Getting food with Seb was easy. It always was. Whilst Max’s current state was still at the forefront of his mind, it was nice to have some time to just mess around with Seb, chat shit about the state of F1 and their teams and how much they were enjoying the break, all the while enjoying shitty fast food burgers.</p><p>  “Do you miss being teammates with Kimi?” </p><p>  “Always. Charles is great, but Kimi’s Kimi. He makes everything easy, and having him there made it easier for me.”</p><p>  “I know the feeling.”</p><p>  Dan and Seb fell silent, both accepting that the other knew how they felt. The warmth of having a teammate that you loved, that would love you back, being able to just be yourself and be safe. </p><p>  “I want to go back.”</p><p>  Seb stared at Dan, waiting for him to elaborate.</p><p>  “To Max. I want to go back to being with him at the team. I want to be at Red Bull or I want him to come to Renault or wherever will take us both. I want to be with him,” Daniel explained.</p><p>  Seb nodded slowly, repeating the words Dan said earlier,</p><p>  “Yeah I know that feeling.”</p><p>  The two of them shared a look, and then decided to make the trek back home. Kimi met them at the door, his eyes softening when he caught sight of Sebastian. </p><p>  “Rakkaus.” Kimi pulled Sebastian against his side and pressed a kiss to his temple. </p><p>  “He’s in the shower. Go to him,” Kimi told Daniel, “He’s a mess. Cried a lot, threw up a couple of times, cried some more. But he wants you. We’ll see ourselves out.”</p><p>  Daniel barely thanked Kimi before practically sprinting to the bathroom and wrenching the door open. Max’s music was playing, one of those weird history songs that he’d been listening to on repeat, and the man himself was sat in the shower, letting the spray hit him and wash away the grime, the hurt, the mess. Max looked over at Dan through the glass of the shower cubicle and offered him a weak smile. Daniel pulled his clothes off and quickly climbed in, slotting himself down behind Max and pulling the youngster to be cradled against him. Max’s head rolled back, and his eyes closed, leaving Daniel to wipe the tear tracks from Max’s face. </p><p>  “I love you. So fucking much.”</p><p>  Max smiled,</p><p>  “Love you too.”</p><p>  Dan smiled. Max’s voice was rough, both from lack of use and also from all the crying and throwing up he’d apparently done. </p><p>  “I want Kimi to adopt me,” Max joked, causing Dan’s grin to get even wider. If Max could joke, then there was at least part of him that was getting close to a point that he’d be more receptive to talking to Daniel later. </p><p>  “Think he’s accepted that as his fate, Maxy. He’s accumulating the little drivers.”</p><p>  “‘M not little,” Max whispered.</p><p>  “No, you’re not. You’re my boy,” Dan told him but didn’t go any further, not wanting to push Max too far.</p><p>  Eventually the water went cold and Daniel dragged Max out the shower, citing that they didn’t want to catch pneumonia and spend the next month stuck in bed, no matter how much they really needed to catch up on their Netflix watchlist. </p><p>  That night, Daniel had waited till Max had fallen asleep before letting the darkness overtake him too. When the deep rhythm of Max’s breathing became a lullaby to Dan’s ears, he let himself fall under too, joining Max in the realm of sleep. Throughout the night, Daniel kept his grip on Max, not wanting to let go and have his boyfriend fall to a point that he couldn’t even touch Daniel anymore. </p><p>  It was one of the worst sleeps Daniel had ever had. He’d keep startling himself awake and have to rest his fingers against Max’s pulse, checking that he was still there. And every time, Daniel would sigh in relief and his heart would slow ever so slightly until it was safe for him to fall back asleep. </p><p>  Max tried to get up before Dan in the morning, but Daniel’s almost deathgrip on him woke Daniel up and Max sheepishly let himself fall back onto the bed.</p><p>  “What’s wrong?”</p><p>  “I need to pee,” Max shrugged.</p><p>  Dan knew there was more to it, but he let Max up and scrubbed his hands over his face. Max grabbed Daniel’s hoodie off the floor and shrugged it over himself before he shuffled off to the bathroom. Daniel kept an ear out just to be sure Max did actually use the bathroom and didn’t lock the door. </p><p>  They’d had the rule for a while that Max couldn't lock the bathroom door, since he'd had locked himself in there once during quite an extreme panic attack. And whilst Daniel did trust that Max wasn’t going to do anything <i>right now</i>, he couldn’t be sure that Max was okay enough that Daniel could leave him alone. </p><p>  Instead, Daniel walked through to the kitchen and started getting them both some breakfast ready. He was sure that Max would refuse to eat it, but they’d been through this a million times. Daniel would sit opposite Max at the table, their ankles pressed together, and Max would cry silently as he tried to eat just one mouthful. Getting Max to even come near the kitchen today would be enough of a task, and so Daniel whipped together a small, almost child size, portion of some yoghurt granola thing Max was fond of and left it on the table. </p><p>  He hadn’t heard any movement or sound from Max. </p><p>  Daniel walked back through to where the bathroom was, and pushed the door open. Max was stood, staring lifelessly into the mirror. </p><p>  “Baby?”</p><p>  Max didn’t even jump. </p><p>  “Max? Breakfast is ready.” Daniel stepped forward and gently pressed his fingers to Max’s wrist. </p><p>  Max’s eyes swivelled from the mirror to look at where Dan’s fingers rest against his arm. </p><p>  Max looked exhausted, Daniel thought, as he tugged Max away from the bathroom and towards the kitchen. </p><p>  Max refused to sit down at first and Daniel was preparing himself to almost shove Max into his seat, when Max walked around to Daniel’s chair and stood there instead. Daniel thought it was so Max could sit with his back to the windows, something he often did if he was feeling anxious, and so Daniel swapped to stand beside Max’s chair. </p><p>  Except Max then followed him to stand there instead. </p><p>  Daniel frowned slightly but simply sat down. He sighed when he realised what Max was doing. Max waited for Daniel to be settled before he delicately sat himself down on Daniel’s lap, curling into him and pulling his bowl to be on his lap. Daniel wrapped his arm around Max’s waist and moved his own breakfast bowl around so that he could still eat it. He knew that whilst Max needed him, if he didn’t eat, Max wouldn’t either. </p><p>  Daniel pressed a kiss to Max’s shoulder which had him smile slightly. </p><p>  “Do you want to talk about anything?”</p><p>  “Not really,” Max replied, his voice dry and heavy. </p><p>  “Can you eat a bit of your breakfast for me?” Daniel gently prodded. </p><p>  Max scrunched his face up and let out a slightly panicky breath. Daniel ran his hand up and down Max’s thigh to comfort him and waited for him to calm. </p><p>  “Just one spoon.” Daniel whispered, pushing the neck of the hoodie around slightly so that he could press distracting kisses and scrape his teeth against Max’s neck. </p><p>  Max gasped and tilted his neck, and whilst he was distracted, Daniel picked up a small spoonful and held it up to Max. Max opened his mouth willingly and ate the portion. Daniel smiled against him. </p><p>  Max eventually took the spoon off Dan and they quietly ate their breakfast together. There was a few times when Max faltered and it seemed like he wasn’t going to do it, but then he’d let out a tear, wipe it away, and carry on. </p><p>  It took very little goading from Dan for Max to eat the food, and he couldn’t be more proud. In stark contrast to the way Max had been the last few days, it was as though a miracle had happened. </p><p>Max was doing <i>okay</i>. </p><p>And Daniel was so fucking proud of him. </p><p>“You know we do need to talk about things, don’t you? You don’t want to go to therapy, and that’s fine, it’s your choice. But it might be worth seeing about getting you back on your meds.”</p><p>“I don’t want to,” Max whimpered, “I don’t need the drugs.”</p><p>“Max, there’s nothing wrong with having to take them. They’re there to help you be safe, Maxy.”</p><p>“I’m not weak.” He cried. “I’m not weak! I don’t need fixing!”</p><p>“You’re not weak for accepting help of any kind, Max. You spoke to Kimi yesterday, that’s having help, and that was okay, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Max fell silent again and dropped his head back onto Daniel’s shoulder. He knew not to push it any further. Instead, Daniel kissed the top of Max’s head and wrapped his arms fully around his waist, holding him tight on his lap. It was starting to ache, sitting on this chair with Max on top of him, but Max was breathing as though he was thinking about stuff and Daniel didn’t want to risk disturbing him. </p><p>Plus, he loved cuddling Max. There was nothing better. Max was just so warm and soft and pliant, and Daniel loved it. He’d cope with getting a numb ass if it meant cuddling Max a bit more. </p><p>“I thought I was doing so much better,” Max whispered eventually. “But it’s just got so dark again.”</p><p>“What’s been happening, huh? Talk to me about your head, babe.”</p><p>Max took a deep breath, ran his tongue across his top lip and then started fiddling with Daniel’s fingers. He was tracing his fingers across the rose tattoo, and Daniel waited for him to be ready to start talking. </p><p>“I feel like I’m drowning,” Max said, “Like everything that everyone expects of me, it’s just pushing me down and I keep getting a breath of air when you come home, but then you have to go again. And I don’t blame you, this isn’t your fault, I’m not saying it’s got anything to do with you. Because honestly I get it, our jobs can be rough, but it’s just this weight of being pulled under every single time. And it’s like there’s no way to stop it and all I can do is struggle and fight and I’m just so tired, Daniel.” </p><p>Max’s voice broke and he let out a sob. He turned his head so that he could huddle into Daniel tighter, and then carried on, </p><p>“I’m so tired that I don’t want to fight it anymore. I just want to let it win, just let the darkness take me. I can’t keep fighting it. It’s too hard. It’s too much now.”</p><p>Daniel had tears streaming down his cheeks whilst he listened to Max. </p><p>“How long have you felt like this?” Daniel asked.</p><p>Max scoffed around his tears and shook his head.</p><p>“A long fucking time.”</p><p>“Max, this isn’t okay, you need to talk to someone, babe. Your head shouldn’t be scaring us like this.”</p><p>“I don’t care anymore, Dan. I’m tired of it all.” </p><p>“I care!” Daniel exclaimed with more force than he meant to, “Fuck Max, I care so much. I love you, you absolute tool. I don’t want you to not be around, you’re my bestfriend and my boyfriend, and I want you here. I don’t want you to drown, you deserve to be here more than anything.”</p><p>“You deserve someone better, someone that isn’t as fucked up as I am.”</p><p>“You’re the best, Maxy. Having a shitty head doesn’t mean you don’t mean the absolute world to me.” Daniel kissed Max’s cheek and pulled his face up to look at him. “I love you more than anything, you don’t have to pretend that things are okay when they’re not. Because it’s not going to make me not love you. You don’t deserve any of the shit that goes through your head. And I’ll tell you every single day just how much I love you.”</p><p>Max smiled sadly at Daniel.</p><p>“I don’t deserve you.”</p><p>“Yeah you do.” Daniel whispered. </p><p>Max shifted so that he was sitting with his back against the table rather than against Daniel, and he pulled Daniel’s shorts leg up. He ran his fingers over the waves on Daniel’s tattoo. </p><p>“You’re the anchor,” Max replied.</p><p>“I’m not going to let you drown Max.” Daniel promised instead. </p><p>Max dug his fingers into the ink and leaned forward, wrapping the fingers of his free hand around Daniel’s neck and kissed him. </p><p>There was salt hitting them both, the waves of hurt rushing through them and rocking them hard. The pain of Max’s head was the worst thing that Daniel had ever experienced, and sometimes it seemed like the darkness would threaten to pull them both under. But they had the help of their friends and families, and Daniel wouldn’t let Max fall in again. </p><p>Everything he told Max was true. He intended to do anything he could to try and help him, and Daniel knew that he’d have to talk to Renault about maybe cutting back on some PR stuff over the next few weeks. Getting Max back on his anti-depressants was going to be probably the hardest and worst thing Daniel had dealt with in a long time. The meds made Max’s head darker before it could make it better, and the idea of leaving Max when he needed him most was the worst thing he could imagine. And if Daniel did leave, there was no doubt that Max would try to stop taking them, especially if <i>he</i> got hold of Max in some way and told him that he was weak for it. </p><p>Max wasn’t weak. He was strong. He just needed some help getting there. </p><p>“Dan,” Max said, his eyes looking heavy as he started to fall asleep against Daniel’s shoulder.</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“Thank you.” </p><p>Daniel smiled, pressed a kiss to Max’s head and rubbed his hands up and down his back. In his arms, Max was safe. He’d keep him safe. </p><p>Max was the most important person in the world to Daniel, and he couldn’t imagine a world that Max wasn’t in. He just had to keep helping Max and proving to him that he was worth staying here. Every person deserved a chance at being saved in some way. </p><p>It just so happened that Max needed some help more than most people. But Daniel was here for it. He was going to help him and be there to hug and hold and kiss and love. </p><p>He’d always look after Max. There was a ring waiting to go onto his finger for that precise reason. </p><p>He just needed to wait until he knew Max was ready for it. And he’d wait until the end of time if it just meant that Max stopped drowning in the darkness.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>:)</p><p>lemme know what you think in the comments, feedback is always welcome. </p><p>kudos are always greatly appreciated</p><p>tumblr as always is at 3303andmore</p><p>requests always welcome</p></blockquote></div></div>
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